the month of october is always a strange time for me. theres definite noticiable changes in the weather and the ways that we move around and into each other... sharing our orbits differently as the coolness removes all the stickiness of the long texas summer. theres a beginning pattern of wanting to close another year down and get into the holidays... all the wine... and the friends... the families... the togetherness... the warmth of home. the joy in being close to each other once more.
and for me, and many of us. there is a sense of loss that can and almost does completely overwhelm knowing that some of those we NEED are not there any longer.
my dad would be celebrating his 62nd birthday this year tomorrow, had we not lost him 8 years previous nearer the end of october. and there is not one single day that i do not think about him or want to hear ANYTHING from him. his laugh. his "words of wisdom." the basis for how i learned how to cuss. ANYTHING! there is a hole that i know can never be filled with anything else. and i carry this empty planet in my stomach every single day... and feel it in my bones when the weather begins to shift. thats the weight of autumn.
my dad was every instance of what i know a man to be. the strongest hombre in the galaxy. the reason i know laughter in any and at ALL times. the kindest gentlest demeanor in some of the strangest moments and some of the most perfect and opportune times. wise beyond his years, like an old soul that was spent up in lives previous, just as i and we were learning to appreciate just what a great man he was and could be. my dad is the reason i have absolutely no problem to tell someone to go fuck themselves and is the very reason that i care about so much so deeply. music and your own opinions mattered to my father. and i learned so much from him in such a brief time in what wasnt always the ideal circumstances to learn a goddamn thing.
to lose someone. and to miss that someone in the very essence of your being, is the most heartbreaking experience i have ever known and i would never wish that on anyone. its there like a shadow that no matter how much you run from, is always right there. holding weightlessly onto you.
yes there are the memories... but when you cant remember anything... theres a lot less of that cliche. so i go on just these little pieces of part memory and part gut feeling instilled in me of how the man that i knew as my father would want me to be. and maybe thats part of my downfall, and maybe thats eQual parts my charm... but maybe thats all i can be. the son of a son of a son and nothing beyond that. all that i have of him, i make look like me in hopes that what he would see would make him smile that great smile and without a word, id know it was true.
