i was there/shiny and so bright

i'm losing my edge

"yeah, i'm losing my edge

i'm losing my edge

the kids are coming up from behind

i'm losing my edge"

i was there in 1994 at the smashing pumpkins headlining lollapalooza. well, not there but outside and down the street at some church lockin or something because there was a girl my friend was trying to date, but i was there outside listening fully to the beastie boys ending their set and the chants and the cheers as the pumpkins took the stage. i was there with such young ears, listening to the siamese dream lilt and roar across those miles to smiling me, content and hungered for that sound and fury in my bones.

i was there in that shopping mall when pisces iscariot came out on that gooey yellow vinyl sitting high behind the counter at the record shop. $15 i didn't have. stupid kid sorting it out. jobs and responsibilities and dying to get out of my town. also, not really having a record player anymore, and cds were the wave. long boxes all the gatefold artwork we really got back then. 

i was there in the first truck of a friends sister who had left her gish tape in the tapedeck and the case in the door cubby. hypnotized from the get-go. artwork and crush. i was there. 

i was there in my first apartment on the day mellon collie came out. listening to the album on that tuesday when records came out on tuesday mornings. right after work to my first apartment and listened to mellon collie with my pearl jam loving buddy, listening. 

"the world is a vampire." press the track back button...

"the world is a vampire." press the track back button...

"the world is a vampire." press the track back button...

"the world is a vampire." ... 

and so on. for eternity. in amber. that moment.

i was there with pantera/white zombie tickets for the night that the news broke jimmy chamberlin and jonathan melvoin overdosed in a new york hotel room and the upcoming list of shows, (where i finally for the first time see live, not just hear from miles away, but would actually witness all 4 original members of the pumpkins) all those shows were cancelled.

and heartbroken i, cancelled seeing the mighty pantera because my future pumpkins dreams were dashed.

i was there when the aeroplane flies high box set came out. black and white spiral mini vinyl carrier with all the melloncollie singles. i lied to my friend that i wrote my name on the "THIS BOX BELONGS TO..." under the lid in crayon, hoping he'd fuck his up.

i studied the b-sides. i fell in love with the diverse textures and feelings.

i was there when the pumpkins regrouped with the drummer from filter, i was there. in dallas. in the stands. stage left. destroyed by the magnitude of rock n roll. destroyed by the volume of hits and sound up in the stands like i had spent all night in the pit. i was there.

i was there when the magician hat stage setup, setup in my hometown. on the floor. with seats, this time. and took in the blast and magick full bore. the Quiet and loud. the majesty!

i was there 5th row at the adore show. when my friend from the first apartment, "world is a vampire" pearl jam super fan, on the third row caught one of billy corgans picks and proceeded to give the pick to my other friend who no way was a bigger fan than i.

i was there in line, the day after st. patrick's day/night... sleeping it off and like 20th in line, when the machina tickets went on sale. right before i had a cellphone, my then wife called my corgan pick friend's cellphone to forcibly inQuire if i was staying out all night now? to which i replied, "i told you pumpkins tickets were on sale."

i would come home to find she had, overnight, moved everything out of the house and we were finally done. i called her one last time to get my guitars, my stereo and albums and my dog, zero back.

i walked away from the marriage and saw the pumpkins front row in dallas, austin, and houston in the coming months.

washing my soul clean.

i was there when the band broke up. but not at the machina signing autographs and taking photos jaunt. i wasn't there for meeting my heroes. i didn't need another piece of them. don't meet your heroes they said. "dude i met metallica back in the day... what a bunch of dicks!"

i didn't go. i went to the shows. i made it front row twice. i screamed so loud at my excitement seeing jimmy back in the fold, he winked at me. i got a smile from billy.

i was there.

i was there for jimmy chamberlins side jazz project, the jimmy chamberlin complex in the small room at the meridian. jimmy walked by and touched me on the shoulder on his way to the kit, saying gently "excuse me." 

i was there for those giant swirling riffs of zwan. i ruined someone's night singing (badly) every lyric in their ear.

i was there in dallas for billy's solo show and after an altercation with a dude and his girlfriend over crucial viewing real estate before the band took stage, it was not wanting to get kicked out of the room for stomping some dallassian. and i was blown the fck away. iggy pop cover. ac/dc cover. electronic but metal as hell. i was there.

i was there for night one two and five (and should have been 6) of the san francisco residency when the pumpkins unleashed the zeitgeist. i was there when tarantula was on the air the same day as the white stripes icky thump. i was there when the pumpkins slated for 3 plus hours in the house that psychedelica built at the fillmore west. those hallowed halls of the dead, jefferson airplane, hendrix, Quicksilver messenger service, 13th floor elevators. i was there walking where haight and ashbury meet. carrying the soul of my newly dearly departed father who loved the scene but never saw the scene because of the kids he had so early. WE were there. dad and i at those pumpkins shows. we saw one of our points of light, coming back so sure and strong. 

i was there when the pumpkins played later down the zeitgeist trail in (b)orlando and houston and austin. austin where i would finally catch one of billy's picks. holy!

i was there with my love, my entire heart finally in place in my chest and in my life, dominique, at u of h. watching billy gracefully rip through all the songs he'd written. all those hits. hole. imbruglia. soundtracks. so beautifully arranged. 

and tonight (tonite) the pumpkins return to houston. all the important members in place. the constructors to the soundtracks of my everydays. i've felt my way through all of the songs. even the ones that still sting. even the ones that don't matter anymore or never did. all of those songs. b-sides... c-sides.... even sides of sides... songs that were in commercials. i connected and held this band in my heart, seeing them over 25 (28) times. defending their honor through friends and enemies of modern music. 

but tonight. i won't be there. i didn't buy tickets because we're planning a wedding for this year. and taking my family to the beach this weekend for a mini vacation is where my heart wants to go now. tonight, nostalgia will miss me as i rush to get home to hold my love, hug our girls, chill with our boy. 

and it's just not in the cards for me, tonight, so shiny, so bright. 

i've heard all of those songs, even recently... so this was never really a reunion. the pumpkins are eternal and will be written about years after it's all over as one of the greats. and for that i am thankful to have been a part. 

rock on pumpkins.